January 12, 2001

YU News Dispatch 006

Yossarian Universal News Service 011201

03:06:03:09 PM PST




But Mounting Evidence Supports Claim That He Is Just Another Dead Man Talking


Earwig, NM (YU) -- The long sought after missing remains of former U.S. Senator John Ashcroft were

apparently discovered today, buried beneath the adobe ruins of an ancient Pueblo Indian site in the small

town of Earwig , New Mexico , just outside of Albuquerque . A positive identification of his body was made by the man who found it, Dr. Oskar Homolka, a professor of 16th century forensics at the University of New Mexico , who was on a dig near the site looking for antique pop-tops.

"The condition of the bones and the position of the body appear to confirm my suspicion that Senator Ashcroft has been dead for more than 500 years," said Dr. Homolka. "It also reinforces the belief that death, at least in this case, does not end at expiration. In my opinion, the deceased was suffering from xenophobia, claustrophobia, and schizophrenia--and probably still is--and that the cause of death was clearly archaic obsolescence."

Dr. Homolka was one of the scientists who used similar forensic testing last year to help archeologists in Germany identify the remains of missing Reform Party presidential candidate, Pat Buchanan.

Senator Ashcroft, who was picked by Presidential Pretender George W. Bush as his choice for Attorney General, was at his home in St. Louis , when he first received word that his body had been discovered and was immediately unavailable for comment. Aides of the deceased Senator were quick to report that Ashcroft was preparing for his upcoming Senate confirmation hearings and was confident he would win unanimous approval. His supporters are urging him to remain a distraction and not to withdraw his nomination, despite the newly unearthed 500 year old birth certificate. Said one anonymous staffer, "This is about the constitutional right to life of every dead person in this country."

George W. Bush's confidence in Ashcroft's ability remains strong. Speaking through an interpreter to a group of fishermen on a pier in Portland , Oregon , where he continues his campaign for the presidency, Bush praised his future Attorney General. "I am totally committed to the principles outlined in the Honda Accords," he said. "In fact, I own several. Thank you, and God bless that man over there," he said, pointing at a large, dead codfish before waving and falling into the bay.


YU News Dispatch 006

Yossarian Universal News Service 011201

03:06:03:09 PM PST




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