February 16, 2001

YU News Dispatch 011

Yossarian Universal News Service 021601

08:11:08:14 PM PST

START

 

COWBOY SUMMIT A COMPLETE SUCCESS AS BUSH FINALLY LOCATES MEXICO

Candidate Demonstrates Unique Talent for Wearing Unusual Disguises and Singing About Drugs

 

San Cristobal , Mexico (YU) -- Embarking on his first ever foreign policy visit abroad, Presidential

Pretender George W. Bush inadvertently crossed the border into Quebec , Canada , today in an apparent

attempt to meet with Mexican President, Vincente Fox, who was actually 3000 miles away in San

Cristobal , Mexico , patiently awaiting Bush's arrival.

Speaking broken Spanish and wearing a large sombrero, Bush met for over two hours with Quebec's Prime Minister, Lucien Bouchard--who spoke only French--before he was convinced that Bouchard was not Fox, Canada was not Mexico, and that there were no Taco Bells in Quebec City. "I knew something wasn't right when the guy didn't know what a chalupa was," joked Bush, who didn't know what a chalupa was, either. "I don't think he understood a word of Mexican I was saying."

Ground crews quickly refueled Air Force One which then took off, flew south, and eventually crossed the border into New Mexico, where it landed at Santa Fe Municipal Airport and was quickly surrounded by airport security agents and select members of the Santa Fe police department's special SWAT team. Emerging from the aircraft wearing gun belts across his chest and brandishing a "pistola" in each hand, Bush stood on the top steps and fired a few rounds in the air as bewildered law enforcement officials crouched behind riot shields on the tarmac. "Muy bien, mucho gusto, and Feliz Navidad!" Bush shouted. He then raised his hand and asked, "Donde esta la biblioteca?"

After speaking by phone with New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson, an accomplished triathlete who spoke with Bush minutes before jumping off a 10,000 foot mountain to commemorate the Bataan Death March, Bush seemed pleased. Governor Johnson assured him that New Mexico was, in fact, an American state and not a foreign country, that there were a number of Taco Bells scattered throughout the state, and that the word "yeehah" was an interjection, not a verb. "Frankly, I was surprised," admitted Bush as he reloaded. "This guy spoke very good English."

Air Force One then refueled a second time, took off in an easterly direction, inexplicably circled Santa Fe for 45 minutes and eventually headed south, where it finally landed at Mexico City 's Benito Juarez International Airport 10 hours overdue. Upon his arrival, a jubilant Bush, declaring that, "The third time's a charm," emerged from the plane sporting a Pancho Villa mustache, strumming a guitar and singing "La Cucaracha" as thousands of Mexican citizens cheered and chanted, "Viva El Presidente Gore!"

Wearing a mask and dressed to resemble his childhood hero, Zorro, Mexican President Vincente

Fox greeted Bush on horseback, handed him the reins to his own horse, and the two then galloped off in a cloud of dust for Fox's ranch in San Cristobal, where they spent what was left of the day trying on each

other's boots, drinking tequila, sampling drugs, and attempting to remove Bush's mustache which had been epoxied to his upper lip.

Afterwards, Bush took a stroll around the ranch and spoke with reporters. "I watch Fox all the time," he said, picking the seeds from his teeth and referring to President Fox as "that guy who owns the Fox network." He then went on to name his favorite TV shows: Survivor , Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? , 3rd Rock From The Sun , and Just Shoot Me --none of which are Fox shows.

When asked by one reporter if there was any one thing that impressed him the most about his trip to Mexico , Bush said he had been humbled by the history lesson he had learned. "Frankly, I had no idea that Canada was part of the United States ," he acknowledged. "I also found it fascinating that the people here don't drink water." When asked to elaborate, Bush winked and held up a mason jar filled with yellow liquid and joked that he was probably "the luckiest goddamn cowboy this side of the Rio Grande ."

 

YU News Dispatch 011

Yossarian Universal News Service 021601

08:11:08:14 PM PST

END

 

 

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