March 9, 2001

YU News Dispatch 014

Yossarian Universal News Service 030901

5:56:32:11 PM PST




Republicans Worried Mad Cow Disease Will Spread Beyond Leadership


Washington , DC (YU) -- Vice Presidential Pretender Dick Cheney, who suffered his 12th non-heart attack in six weeks, adamantly denied today that his clogged arteries have anything to do with his strict diet of red meat. He also refused to comment on reports that he and Presidential Pretender George W. Bush had contracted mad cow disease while attending a barbecue two weeks ago at the ranch of former senator Alan Simpson of Wyoming .

Cheney has undergone a series of medical procedures over the last 18 months, including five quadruple bypass surgeries and eight angioplasties--a process in which a tiny balloon is inserted into an artery and inflated to squash the built-up plaque that is blocking blood flow to the brain. He also required electro-shock treatment three times last month after his heart stopped and he was declared clinically dead.

"I admit that I enjoy my steaks, ribs and burgers like the next guy," Cheney said, trying to catch his breath as he talked to reporters, "but this has nothing to do with my heart. I've been eating this stuff for as long I can remember, and I'm not dead yet. Besides, when you wash it all down with cold beer it flushes you out pretty well," he laughed, wincing and clutching his chest.

Cheney, who is more highly regarded by others than he actually is, refused to discuss the mad cow

stories circulating around Washington and dismissed critics who say he is growing a tail and being milked twice a day. "Look, the last time I saw a mad cow she was burning my dinner," Cheney joked, referring to his wife as he dropped to his knees and collapsed. He was then quickly rushed to George Washington University Hospital where his doctors performed a slightly different angioplasty, this time inserting the tiny balloon directly into his head and inflating it. When asked why the change in the procedure, one doctor, who asked to remain anonymous, shrugged and said, "It couldn't hurt."

Aides to the Make-Believe Vice President downplayed the episode as "normal and routine behavior" and were quick to report that Cheney, who had slipped into a coma, was expected to be back on the job "as usual" tomorrow morning.

The news that Bush and Cheney had contracted mad cow disease surfaced earlier this month in a

medical report issued by researchers at Duke University School of Medicine in Durham , North Carolina .

Scientists had discovered that the misshapen proteins that caused the brain-wasting disease were actually

jumping from the contaminated meat into humans--particularly those humans who were registered


Both pretend leaders came under suspicion when it was learned that more than 1000 head of cattle on former Senator Alan Simpson's ranch in Wyoming were infected with mad cow disease, and that Bush and Cheney visited the ranch last month where they ate their fill of barbecued steaks and ribs. As a result of the epidemic, all of Senator Simpson's cattle, including Simpson himself, had to be destroyed and their carcasses burned.

Bush, who has also come down with hoof-and-mouth disease, spent the day at his own ranch outside Austin , Texas , where he relaxed and played cowboy. "I roped and branded some doggies this morning," he said, wearing a bib and gnawing on a barbecued rib. "Then I killed and ate them just to prove there's nothing wrong with my beef." After polishing off his fourth helping of ribs, the Presidential Pretender was informed by aides that the word "doggies" actually referred to cows, not dogs. "Hell, I don't think it matters much what you call it," Bush smiled, licking his fingers, "just as long as it tastes good."


YU News Dispatch 014

Yossarian Universal News Service 030901

5:56:32:11 PM PST




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