April 13, 2001

YU News Dispatch 019

Yossarian Universal News Service 041301

6:52:10:02 PM PST




George W. Bush Invites Lee Majors To White House In Case Of Mistaken TV Series


Nairobi , Kenya (YU) -- The long sought-after missing link to man's earliest ancestors was finally established today, when the fossilized bones of a 6 million-year-old skeleton discovered in Kenya last January were positively identified as those of popular talk show commentator, Rush Limbaugh. In a carefully worded article published today in the journal Nature , Lestor J. Cohelo and Anthony Bronsky, paleontologists at University College in London who discovered the human-like fossil, reported that Limbaugh's skull, jawbone and petrified spleen excavated in the Tungen Hills northwest of Nairobi were thoroughly studied and meticulously scrutinized using modern fossil-dating methods. "This probably disturbs the established view about human evolution and the evolution of talk-radio in particular," wrote Cohelo and Bronsky, "but it clearly offers us an extraordinary opportunity to finally study certain conservative ancestors who spent most of their adult life imitating apes."

If the discoverers are correct in their analysis and conclusions, the Limbaugh fossil represents a hominid of an entirely new genus and species, which has been named "Rushorrorin constipatis," meaning "original constipated man" in the local Kenyan dialect. While it is not yet clear whether this species walked upright all of the time, remains of both knee caps bore signs suggesting that the creature spent a good part of its day skulking in the dark on all fours.

Limbaugh, who had been suffering from severe bowel obstruction since the 1992 presidential campaign, had gained several hundred pounds in recent years and was admitted to New York General Hospital in January complaining of abdominal cramps when he suddenly died while undergoing a routine surgical procedure to remove his brain and have it replaced with polenta, a raw cornmeal mush. Limbaugh's body was never claimed and inexplicably disappeared from the hospital morgue three days after his death, much to the relief of the hospital staff.

Cohelo and Bronsky's article also revealed the results of tests conducted on other remains discovered at the site, indicating that they may have stumbled on the fabled burial ground of an entire tribe of "Rushororin constipati." In the past few months various bones and petrified organs of a number of conservative commentators have been identified and catalogued, including the fossilized spines, vocal chords, gall bladders and livers of G. Gordon Liddy, Debra Saunders, Brent Bozell, Robert Novak, Charles Krauthammer, Emmett Tyrell and Phyllis Schlafly.

Also discovered were the rock-hard brain of "Dr. Laura" Schlessinger, which is reportedly the size and color of a green lentil, and George Will's skull, which has a baseball bat-type object protruding from the mouth cavity.

The oldest previously recognized member of the hominid lineage, "Bucklipithecus condescendis," was based on the 4.5-million-year-old mummified body discovered in Ethiopia in 1973 and eventually identified as the remains of National Review editor and publisher, William F. Buckley. At the time, the fossilized skeleton was believed to be the first complete specimen of an ancestral man without a backbone.

In a related story, Presidential Pretender George W. Bush climbed a tree outside the Oval Office today and refused to apologize, or even come down, until someone gave him a banana.

YU News Dispatch 019

Yossarian Universal News Service 041301

6:52:10:02 PM PST





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