May 4, 2001

YU News Dispatch 022

Yossarian Universal News Service 050401

4:30:10:59 PM PST



Consults Vietnam War Criminal Henry Kissinger Regarding Quickest Way To Win Nobel Peace Prize


Washington, DC (YU) -- Condemning the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty for being the cause of too much global peace and stability, Presidential Pretender George W. Bush today restored America to its proper place as a superior military force and sparked renewed interest in the arms race by declaring war on very single country in the world.

Under Bush's bold new plan, the ABM Treaty, which has been the cornerstone of nuclear deterrence in the world for the past 30 years, will be replaced with a $200 billion dollar "Star Wars" anti-missile shield that was loosely based on a dream that former President Ronald Reagan had one night in 1983, after taking the wrong medication. Starting a war with the entire world would, in Bush's words, "stimulate the economy, unify the people, and uphold the dignity of the highest office in the land, including the office of the presidency."

Holding a riding crop under his arm and wearing the full camouflage field uniform of a five-star general--complete with an oversize combat helmet, knee-high leather boots and a parachute strapped to his back--Bush defended his plan for world destruction (dubbed "The War To End All Peace") as he stood at attention on the front lawn of the National Defense Institute for Military Action in nearby Fort Weetamoo, a prestigious combat and training school for war game show hosts. During his 3-minute speech, the Make-Believe Commander-in-Chief said that going to war now was not only good for American business, but that it was also a good thing for the nation's children.

"The world must become a more dangerous place if we want our children to see how dark it already is before it gets any darker," he explained, trying to pull the pin from a hand grenade he was playing with. "The fact is, we need to teach our children that there is more to life than peace, harmony, love, trust and good will, which are hardly the sort of qualities that can be considered fair and balanced." Bush then went on to emphasize the legacy of war he hoped to leave to future generations. "This is for our children and our children's children, and our children's children's children who will pass it on to their children's children's children's children and maybe even their grandchildren until there are no longer any children left to pass the torch to, except for maybe some dwarfs and small rodents and fishes and flying insects and other human beings too small to mention."

When asked by reporters to explain his reason for engaging the entire world in a global conflict on multiple fronts that could ultimately trigger the end of civilization, Bush nodded his head and gave an orderly account of how the war would be fought. "The best way to do this is alphabetically," Bush said, indicating that the first round of invasions would begin immediately with Afghanistan , Albania , Algeria , Andorra , Angola , Antigua and Argentina , and that once they had gotten through all the A's they would start to invade countries that start with the letter B.

"After that we'll work our way through the C's," explained Bush, thumbing through a dictionary for reference, "then proceed with countries that start with the letter D, and then move on to those that begin with the letter E, and immediately after that we'll go through the F's and G's and H's and I's and J's, and whatever else comes after that," he said quickly, hoping to conceal the fact that he had lost his place.

Bush then ended the news conference by saluting and singing "The Yellow Rose of Texas," after which he dismissed himself and retreated to a fortified underground bunker where Vice-Presidential Pretender Dick Cheney was waiting to authorize and administer the next round of shock treatments that will get Bush through his second 100 days in office.


YU News Dispatch 022

Yossarian Universal News Service 050401

4:30:10:59 PM PST





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