June 8, 2001

YU News Dispatch 027

Yossarian Universal News Service 060801

6:31:23:11 PM PST




Bush To Climb Mount Everest ; Hopes To Become First Idiot To Reach Summit


Washington , DC (YU) -- Vowing that there would be no more delays in the execution of convicted Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh, Deceased Attorney General John Ashcroft said today that McVeigh's imminent death on Monday would not only allow "justice, decency and righteousness" to prevail, but it would finally offer "salvation and the promise of everlasting life" to millions of faithful Christians who have been waiting for this day for almost two thousand years.

Barring unforeseen developments, McVeigh is expected to die by lethal injection on Monday morning, June 11, at the federal penitentiary in Terre Haute , Indiana , for the April 19, 1995 , bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah federal building in which 168 people perished. If the execution proceeds as planned, McVeigh will become the first person to be put to death by the United States government since the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

Speaking to reporters at the Justice Department while being held up by wires strung from the ceiling, Ashcroft--who became the nation's first Deceased Attorney General earlier this year when his body was discovered buried at an ancient Indian site in New Mexico--stressed the importance of McVeigh's death and the significance it held for the nation. "Some have suggested that there is a ghoulish fascination with the execution of this particular individual, but what good does it do to develop a deep sense of moral outrage if you can't make somebody pay for it with their life?" Ashcroft then held his lips in one hand and his ears in the other so he could hear himself speak more clearly. "The truth is, we need death--and this death in particular--if we, as a people, want to feel good about ourselves again. This is the way it was when Our Lord was crucified on the cross. Jesus died to make us happy."

Because of the mishandling of thousands of pages of FBI files that were missing and never given to McVeigh's defense team until last month, Ashcroft has been reluctant to answer questions involving the recent discovery of new FBI evidence that was also withheld from McVeigh's lawyers, including several surveillance tapes.

One video clearly shows former pop star and Congressman, Sonny Bono, and Unabomber Ted Kacynski talking for several minutes in front of a Burger King in Ames , Iowa , on Jan. 16, 1998 , eleven days after Bono supposedly died in a California skiing accident and almost two years after Kacynski's arrest in 1996. At one point, Kacynski, who is seen with his arm around Bono's shoulder, can be heard saying, "Stop worrying. I did the same thing for Elvis. No one will ever find out."

Another video that runs for more than 90 minutes and dated, October 26, 1996 , captures both Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas in a room at the Comfort Inn in Shreveport , Louisiana , dressed as pirates and engaged in various sexual acts with two transvestites identified only as "Juanita" and "Ruby." The date is significant because it falls on the birthday of heavyweight boxing legend, Primo Carnera, who would have been 90 years old.

Ashcroft also refused to comment on McVeigh's guilt, but in a surprise announcement, O.J. Simpson, the former All-Pro and Hall-of-Fame sociopath, issued a brief statement today from his home in Boca Raton, Florida, saying he believed McVeigh was completely innocent and that the real bombers were still at large. "They're out there, no question about it," Simpson said, his head shaved and sporting a Mohawk. "They know it, I know it, and now you know it." He then urged McVeigh to follow his lead and devote the rest of his life to playing golf, scaring women and looking for the real killers.

Simpson, who hosts the popular syndicated game show, Who Wants To Be A Murderer? , said he hoped his own life would inspire people like McVeigh not to lose hope. "You have to be relentless," he said, trying to wipe the scars off his face. "You have to be convincing. You have to keep saying you're innocent, day after day, night after night, over and over and over again until you finally believe it yourself. Once you do that, they'll let you go free."

When informed by reporters that McVeigh had already admitted his guilt, confessed to the bombing and actually wanted to die, Simpson abruptly raised his hands above his head and started to back away. "Hey, you can search my house any time you want," he said, "but you still won't find that knife."


YU News Dispatch 027

Yossarian Universal News Service 060801

6:31:23:11 PM PST





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