July 6, 2001

YU News Dispatch 031

Yossarian Universal News Service 070601

8:06:52:01 PM PST

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BUSH CELEBRATES BIRTHDAY AND RECEIVES FIRST ARTIFICIAL BRAIN IMPLANT

Thought Process Improves As He Appoints Ray Bolger Ambassador To Merry Old Land Of OZ

 

Washington , D.C. (YU) -- Feeling confident and saying he can't wait to do some "serious thinking of my own," Presidential Pretender George W. Bush celebrated his 55th birthday today by receiving the world's first self-contained artificial brain--a battery powered device the size, shape and color of a small eggplant that runs without the need for unsightly coils, cables or wires sticking out of the head.

A team of four surgeons from Georgetown University--three to distract Bush and one to actually perform the operation--successfully implanted the aluminum coated, computer-like mechanism inside Bush's skull during a simple, ten-minute outpatient procedure in a tree house on the west lawn of the White House, where Bush attended a surprise birthday party in his honor.

Given a local anesthetic, the Pretend Commander-in-Chief was fully awake and eating a piece of birthday cake when doctors drilled a two-inch hole in his head and inserted the computerized apparatus next to his biological brain, which has been slowly shrinking since 1946 and is now the size of a small crust of bread with much the same consistency. Medical officials say the artificial brain is set to act as both a fully functional, stand-alone brain and as a "support brain." When working properly, millions of electrodes will monitor Bush's thoughts and shock his biological brain back to either a normal cognitive state or one resembling an acceptable form of catatonia. Doctors estimate that at the present rate of shrinkage, Bush's own brain will vanish completely in one month and that eventually, after the artificial brain takes over, he should be able to tell the difference between the words that come out of his own mouth and a large bowl of fish heads.

The new brain, called the RoBellum-1, is a superior technological leap from the mechanical brains used in the 1970's and 1980's, which were mostly attached by lengthy cables to bulky machinery outside the body. One of the first, the Franklin Pangborn-3, ran on oil and gasoline and was connected to a mobile

contraption the size of a refrigerator with 8-inch wheels. It quickly fell out of favor during the energy crisis of the 1970's, when several well-known recipients died while waiting in long gas lines, most notably social gadfly Howard Cosell, who invented narcolepsy, and G. Gordon Liddy, the nation's first laboratory rat to host its own radio talk show.

The most famous of the mechanical brains was the Oscar-Levant-7, a portable device disguised as a black wig and worn directly on top of the head, powered by a nuclear fuel rod attached to a rollaway bed. Approved and introduced in 1981, it was worn exclusively by former President Ronald Reagan during both his terms in office and was used almost as often as the bed.

Emerging from the tree house minutes after the brain operation and wearing a Barbie Doll party hat, Bush appeared genuinely excited about the events of the day. "I got to eat pizza and ice cream and wear lipstick and blow out three candles and open lots of presents from people I don't even know," he yelled down at reporters assembled on the lawn. "And tonight I'm going to sleep in my underwear."

When asked what it was like to have a new brain, Bush said he never felt smarter in his life. He then proceeded to swing on a branch, imploring, "Watch this," before losing his grip and falling twenty feet to the ground where he landed on his back and knocked himself out.

Bush's immediate state of new unconsciousness was quickly greeted with a warm and appreciative round of applause, demonstrating just how well the new brain was working.

 

YU News Dispatch 031

Yossarian Universal News Service 070601

8:06:52:01 PM PST

END

 

 

 

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