August 24, 2001

YU News Dispatch 038

Yossarian Universal News Service 082401

6:06:54:01 PM PST

START

 

DISCOVERY OF PARALLEL WORLD OFFERS NEW HOPE FOR BUSH PRESIDENCY

Other Presidential Pretender Appears To Be Exactly The Same As Ours Except For Cross-Dressing

 

Mountain View, Calif. (YU) -- In what is being hailed as the most important discovery of the new century, a tear in the space/time continuum has revealed the existence of a parallel world similar to our own, where another George W. Bush serves as its Presidential Pretender and where the future reveals his accidental death, a failed attempt to convince the public that he is still alive, and the subsequent power struggle by a number of presidential successors hoping to gain control of the country.

Scientists at NASA's Ames Research Center in Mountain View , California , who first reported the discovery, say the parallel world, which they have named "AmericaX," was first discovered after an anonymous researcher mistakenly hooked up a TV cable to a radio telescope and started receiving future episodes of HBO's hit series, The Sopranos , years before they had even gone into production. The images were relayed as 5-dimensional holograms that allowed the viewer to physically walk into the projected scenes and become part of the show. After the researcher unexpectedly disappeared while driving in a car with certain cast members, scientists decided to quickly publish their findings before anyone else vanished.

In an exclusive article on the discovery appearing this week in the Astral Projection Journal , observers report that while AmericaX apparently shares the same history as America, including all of its social, cultural, political, economic and religious institutions--as well as similar amusement park rides, car-jackings, homophobic tendencies and telemarketing schemes--it is the future of this alternative reality that has many wondering if the mirror really has more than two faces.

According to data recovered thus far, Presidential Pretender George W. Bush still appears as the same self-styled moron in one world as he does in the other, with the exception that in AmericaX he chews his tongue, shaves his head every day, and wears a dress. He also likes to drink beer from a safety No-Spill cup, whistle "Polly Wolly Doodle" through his nose, and eat a lot of backyard dirt.

But with a unique window into the future of AmericaX, observers have also learned that the Pretend Alternative-President will apparently fail to complete his first term in office after placing an apple on his own head and accidentally shooting himself with a crossbow. In a clever attempt by some aides to keep their jobs, Bush will continue to serve for more than six months after his death as part of an elaborate cover-up engineered by his Chief of Staff, Andrew Card. The public will eventually learn the truth after Bush is seen on national TV being mistaken for a tree stump by his own wife. Testifying before a Senate subcommittee investigating the Presidential Pretender/Doppelganger's death, Card will deny his involvement in the cover-up and will then pull a gun, killing Sen. Charlton Heston (R-Calif.) before taking his own life. Chaos and confusion will then rule in the weeks and months to follow.

As defined in AmericaX's Constitution and the Presidential Succession Law of 1947, Vice Presidential Pretender Dick Cheney will succeed Bush, but he will only serve two days before a massive heart attack finally kills him while he isn't looking. Dennis Hastert, as Speaker of the House, will then take over from Cheney, but will be forced to resign when it is revealed that he has had a long-standing affair with outgoing Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), helping to explain why the mean-spirited Senator from North Carolina was always in a bad mood and in great physical pain for so many years.

Next in line will be Sen. Strom Thurmond, the 137-year-old President pro Tempore of the Senate. But Thurmond will never get a chance to do any damage after he drops dead during his swearing-in ceremony and is quickly succeeded by Secretary of State, Colin Powell. Powell, however, will remain in office for only three hours, managing to convince only one person that he is really white before being gunned down in the street by radical elements of "Hairdressers for Jesus" who claim Powell has betrayed his roots.

Former Secretary of State and Vietnam War criminal, Alexander Haig, will then announce that he is in charge, at which point he will be stoned to death by an angry group of GOP fundraisers, who claim they were never paid by Haig following his unsuccessful coup attempt in 1981.

Secretary of the Treasury, Anthony "Big Tony" Fazzonatti, will be sworn in next. But after consulting with his financial advisers, Fazzonatti will decide to flee the country with more than 3 trillion dollars in gold bars and newly minted dimes. He will eventually be stopped at the Mexican border and shot by customs officers for impersonating Senor Wences. The presidency will then pass to Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, but he will immediately be barred from holding office, because, as an alien from another planet, Rumsfeld cannot legally rule a people he has come to Earth to conquer and destroy.

Next in line in the presidential succession will be the brash, young Attorney General, Timothy McVeigh, who, earlier in the year, presided over the execution of convicted Oklahoma City bomber, John Ashcroft. Humbly accepting the honor, McVeigh will become AmericaX's 49th president and will promise to usher in a new era of peace and stability.

Scientists report that at this point in the future of AmericaX, time stops abruptly and no further details are available.

 

YU News Dispatch 038

Yossarian Universal News Service 082401

6:06:54:01 PM PST

END

 

 

 

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