September 14, 2001

YU News Dispatch 041

Yossarian Universal News Service 091401

2:00:05:11 PM PST




Rumsfeld Claims "Loose Lips Sink Ships" And Calls For Compulsory Removal of All Tongues


Washington, D.C. (YU) -- Indicating that he had finally received a mandate from the people that could easily be explained to him without using crayons and construction paper, Presidential Pretender George W. Bush today officially kicked off his 2004 Presidential Re-Election Campaign War--which is now the focus of his administration--by promising to re-reunite the country, re-restore dignity to the office of the presidency, and help many people on both sides of the political battlefield get to heaven a lot sooner than they expected.

Wearing both a commemorative Gulf War T-shirt, with the words "Son of Stupid" silk-screened across the front in big, red-white-and-blue letters, and an oversized, regulation G.I. combat helmet with a tiny American flag-on-a-stick protruding from the top of it, Bush held a brief press conference on the south lawn of the White House and did little to hide his enthusiasm. He said his re-election battle was "the first political campaign war of the 21st century" specifically organized to confront a political terrorist opposition bent on defeating his candidacy in 2004.

While vowing to finish what his father started in 1991, Bush seemed unable to answer a number of questions concerning the strategy of his Re-Election Crusade, citing the importance of secrecy during times of campaign war, heightened national security, information on a need-to-know basis, and his own, rapidly mounting ignorance. "Nobody's telling me a thing," he said, playing with the trigger of an M-16 rifle, "but that's for my own good. The less I know about things I'm not supposed to know about, the more I'll be able to talk about things I don't know anything about. This could be useful if I am captured by the other side, and they use torture to force me to reveal the time and place of the Normandy invasion or the combination to my locker. Either way, I won't talk."

He then produced a large, green capsule--which he quickly swallowed--saying he was instructed to take it in order to prevent him from revealing the position Vice Presidential Pretender Dick Cheney often favors when he's on his knees.

Bush went on to explain that his fight for re-election was being conducted behind closed doors in order to take advantage of the tremendous surge of patriotism currently sweeping the country, which has allowed him the opportunity to get whatever he wants as quickly as possible without wasting any time on lengthy congressional sub-committee hearings or ambiguous constitutional laws.

He also said he hoped to accomplish all this before everyone remembers that he was the one who withdrew from the Kyoto Global Warming Agreement, walked out of the South African Conference on Racism, abandoned the Missile Defense Treaty, restarted the arms race, and got the entire world to hate America in just 8 short months--shattering the previous record held by his father, George H. Bush, who managed to piss everyone off after only 23 months in office.

Under the Campaign Authorization Bill passed today by both houses of Congress, the Pretend President will receive $20 billion for the purpose of using all necessary and appropriate force to retaliate against any and all evildoers opposed to his re-election. In an extraordinary show of bi-partisan solidarity, hundreds of lawmakers stood on the Capitol steps in broad daylight and sang the chorus to "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy" before being dispersed by tear gas fired by special SWAT teams from the Washington , D.C. police department.

Bush said his national campaign headquarters was on "high alert, with volunteers all across the country capable of mobilizing on fifteen-minutes notice. He urged all Americans everywhere to report any "suspicious-looking foreigners"-- particularly those who might be trying to sabotage his chance for re-election--to local law enforcement authorities. He then explained that his security people were investigating all political terrorists who fit the description and profile of those who might be opposed to his re-election, and that reliable intelligence sources had reported that there were literally hundreds of millions of these people all over the world, under the sea, and in outer space.

Bush promised to hunt them all down. "We campaign in evil and horrific times," he said, running in place and saluting himself before climbing into an Army tank to begin the first leg of his barnstorming tour of the nation's inner cities, "but we must not allow the horrific promises of evil candidates to change the evil votes of this horrific election in which horrific debates designed to cause evil discussions can ultimately alter the evil outcome of this horrific day--a day, I might add, that will live in horrific infamy."

When asked by several reporters what criteria was being used to determine who was a political terrorist, who wasn't, and what evidence Bush had to support his claims, aides to the Pretend President abruptly ended the press conference as several armed military police quickly moved in, surrounded the suspected journalists, and took them into custody to be briefed on what to report.

In an unrelated development, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon demonstrated his country's support for Bush's Re-Election Campaign War today by using U.S.-made missiles fired from U.S.-made helicopters to kill 14 Palestinian men, women and children as they slept in their homes in occupied territories on the West Bank .

Sharon then thanked America for not noticing.


YU News Dispatch 041

Yossarian Universal News Service 091401

2:00:05:11 PM PST




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