October 19, 2001

YU News Dispatch 046

Yossarian Universal News Service 101901

7:15:54:11 PM PST




Bush Insists He Knows Where All The Bodies Are Buried And Has Already Dug Up Garry Moore


McConnell AFB, KS (YU) -- Reminding the nation that "abusive times call for abusive measures," Presidential Pretender George W. Bush's Re-Election CampaignWar announced today that any information about anything that the government ordinarily makes known to the public will now be classified as "top secret," including all traffic reports, processed food ingredients, cable TV listings, telephone directories, weather conditions and the exact time of day.

"It's all pretty hush-hush at this point and for good reason," whispered campaign spokesperson Ari Fleischer who briefed reporters at re-election headquarters 1000 feet below ground inside an abandoned missile silo at McConnell Air Force Base outside Wichita . Wearing a sidearm and drinking coffee directly from the pot, Fleischer said he was currently involved in a voluntary sleep deprivation program designed to make him look more dangerous in person. "Terrorism lurks wherever we lurk, and anything we say can be heard by anyone who has a tiny listening device implanted under the skin behind their right ear like I have." He then quickly drew his pistol and signaled for silence, as he listened for what he called "a strange, annoying buzzing sound" coming from somewhere deep inside his own head.

Addressing the remote possibility of the secrecy ban being lifted any time soon by the government, Fleischer stood in the entrance of the silo's main tunnel and said they hoped to wrap up their Re-Election Campaign War sometime in the latter part of the next decade, but that an exact year could not be given because it was still "a big secret." He then abruptly ordered everyone to get down on the floor and take cover. "It looks like there's a light at the end of the tunnel," he said, squinting and firing several rounds in that direction, "but I think it's out now."

When asked by several reporters why government officials were acting so evasively and refusing to answer even the simplest questions, Fleischer responded by crawling into an open waste disposal pipe and disappearing.

Since Bush announced his Re-Election Campaign War on terrorism last month, federal authorities have continued to maintain a wall of secrecy around not only the war itself, but also their investigation of terrorist activities. Their quick actions have brought about the arrest and apprehension of nearly 700,000 people in the United States , Puerto Rico and Santa Monica , California . With an unprecedented number of bails revoked, court hearings closed, access to documents denied, and defense attorneys warned not to speak to anyone unless they first submit to drug testing, Bush's secret war on terrorism has brought about both an amazing and mysterious personal transformation that has made him one of the most popular leaders in our nation's history despite the fact that he's still the same idiot he was more than a month ago.

The final curtain of secrecy came down yesterday when the Supreme Court ruled unanimously that the current administration has the right to suspend all laws set down by the U.S. Constitution without explaining its actions, as long as it continues to allow the major news networks to believe they are reporting the truth.

Meanwhile, terrorism revisited the nation's capital earlier today, as members of Congress packed up and fled Washington sooner than usual after Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) received a questionable letter from a suspected constituent asking him to justify his voting record over the course of the last twenty five years. "There's no doubt in my mind that the contents of this envelope contained a suspicious request that could possibly contaminate, infect and eventually threaten the health and safety of the entire political process," said Hyde, who, in years past, has been infected with a number of virulent strains of this request, including a complete loss of credibility, and a recurring demand to know why he hasn't shot himself yet.

As a result of this latest terrorist attack, political strategists have urged all Congressional members to be tested immediately for voter exposure and are confident that an effective vaccine will be made available before the 2002 elections.

In overseas terrorist news, Presidential Pretender George W. Bush flew into Shanghai , China , today and spent the entire day playing I've Got A Secret with President Jiang Zemin, mistaking the Chinese leader for regular panelist Jayne Meadows.


YU News Dispatch 046

Yossarian Universal News Service 101901

7:15:54:11 PM PST




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