November 23, 2001

YU News Dispatch 051

Yossarian Universal News Service 112301

1:43:28:04 PM PST

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WHITE HOUSE KICKS OFF HOLIDAY SEASON BY CLOSING ITS DOORS TO THE PUBLIC

Bush Calls For Wealthy To Be More Prosperous And Poor To Be Less Visible Than They Already Are

 

Washington , D.C. (YU) -- An open invitation to tour the White House and admire its beautiful holiday decorations was quickly withdrawn today, when administration officials announced that they had uncovered a plot by tens of thousands of out-of-state tourists and other terrorist members of the public to descend upon the nation's capital over the holiday season and attempt to "take in the sights."

While the government continues to urge all Americans to go about their normal business and not be bullied by terrorists into restricting their travel, this latest announcement appears to send yet another mixed signal and add the White House to an ever-growing list of popular Washington landmarks that will be off limits to the public this season, including the Smithsonian Institution, the Library of Congress, the Washington Monument , the Tomb of the Unknown Intern, the Gulf War Memorial Oil Rig, and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' private bathroom and sperm bank.

This marks only the third time in its history that the White House has been closed to the public during the holidays. The first was in 1871, when President Ulysses S. Grant suffered delerium tremors while undergoing alcohol withdrawal and declared war on an unopened case of Kentucky bourbon, after locking himself inside the White House for more than three months. The second time was in 1986, when President Ronald Reagan locked himself out of the White House and didn't get back inside until the following Easter.

In another part of the nation's capital, Presidential Pretender George W. Bush visited a soup kitchen just one day after Thanksgiving and cleverly demonstrated the brilliance of a well-coordinated photo-op, with the effectiveness of a classic bait and switch scheme.

Wearing a hair net and a full-body condom to protect himself from the harmful effects of human contact and possible infection by unwashed terrorist hobos, Bush spooned out the cream corn as he spoke to about 100 bewildered transients at Feed The Masses dining room in downtown Washington and announced his plan to award nearly $1 million in federal grants to millions of homeless people who never studied supply side economics.

The only condition placed on each applicant was that they must first provide the government with documented proof that none of the money will be used for non-essential food items, unnecessary medicaltreatments, short term housing solutions, and other suspected terrorist social causes.

While admitting that a million dollars was considerably less than the $5 billion his administration had previously cut from federally funded domestic programs earlier in the year--including emergency food and shelter for the homeless, AIDS research, inner city redevelopment, affordable child care, prescription drugs for the elderly, abortion counseling, sex education, domestic violence, adult literacy and extended health care benefits for the disabled--Bush defended his record. "Those who make the money are the ones who get to keep the money," he said in a muffled voice from inside his latex shield. "And Dick says I don't have to explain anything I say or do after 9/11."

Bush was apparently referring to his influential running mate, Vice Presidential Pretender Dick Cheney, who has reportedly been hiding out at various McDonald's restaurants around the country ever since Bush launched his 2004 Presidential Re-Election Campaign War on September 11.

According to the most recent sighting by intelligence sources, the Pretend Vice President has not been seen or heard from since last Friday when, disguised as the Hamburglar, he allegedly robbed a McDonald's in Decatur , Illinois , armed with an M-16 rifle. After firing several rounds in the air and ordering everyone to lie face down on the floor, Cheney supposedly jumped behind the counter and made off with the day's receipts, two dozen Big Macs, and the deep fryer.

In other holiday related news, the body of convicted mass murderer Timothy McVeigh was re-executed earlier today in Oklahoma City , marking the 96th time this year that the homegrown terrorist has been put to death since his execution by lethal injection in June. The re-executions, ordered by John Ashcroft, the nation's first Deceased Attorney General, are being carried out in an effort to offer peace and closure to an angry public who still believe McVeigh robbed them of any satisfaction when he deliberately died too peacefully the first time around.

McVeigh, who has since been shot, stabbed, poisoned, hanged, drowned, beheaded, disemboweled and run over several times by a rented Ryder truck, was electrocuted this time after his body was twisted into the form of a large star, strung with lights, and then hoisted to the top of a 40-foot Douglas Fir, where it became part of Oklahoma City's annual Christmas tree lighting celebration.

 

YU News Dispatch 051

Yossarian Universal News Service 112301

1:43:28:04 PM PST

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