December 7, 2001

YU News Dispatch 053

Yossarian Universal News Service 120701

9:51:23:02 PM PST

START

 

ASHCROFT ACCUSES EVERYONE OF BEING A TERRORIST BEFORE LOSING FACE

Bush Places Country On High Alert After Learning That Pearl Harbor Was Attacked Sixty Years Ago

 

Washington, D.C. (YU) -- John Ashcroft, the nation's first Deceased Attorney General, who continues to lose body parts at an alarming rate, vigorously defended his own self-importance today by claiming that those who still believe the Constitution of the United States is worth fighting for are not only guilty of treasonous acts against a country that has "no king but Jesus," but are directly responsible for filing a number of lawsuits challenging the more than 95,000 questionable decisions he's made since the third grade.

Hooked up to a portable embalming machine and propped up behind a microphone at a large table, Ashcroft testified for a second straight day before the Senate Judiciary Committee and used his high-profile visit to Capitol Hill to defend the policies of Presidential Pretender George W. Bush's Re-Election Campaign War to stifle dissent, spy on the public, run up the national debt, and "drive the heathen devils back to hell where they came from."

While denying any attempt to trample on the rights of individuals who "shouldn't have any rights to begin with," Ashcroft said there was a basic test that could be administered to all suspected citizens that would settle the issue once and for all. "It's simple," he said, as large chunks of rotting flesh and decomposing bone fell from his face onto the table and a strong, unpleasant odor began to permeate throughout the room. "If you don't have a identification card in your possession that actually shows you belong in this country, then you will automatically receive the same rights and privileges of a mad dog, a plastic bag, or a negro slave," he explained, as Justice Department aides, using a caulking gun, worked quickly to reconstruct his face with a special mixture of rubber cement, Play-Doh, and cooked polenta.

When asked by Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT), chairman of the committee, exactly what ID card he was referring to, Ashcroft reached into his pocket and proudly displayed his current church membership card in the Pentecostal Assemblies of God.

However, some Democrats were still skeptical of the tools chosen to fight terrorism, including Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA), who asked Ashcroft why he refused to release the names of all those currently in custody, or the charges against them. The Attorney General immediately responded by ordering Kennedy's arrest. "As far as I'm concerned," Ashcroft said, as Kennedy was bound and gagged by federal agents and forcibly removed from the committee room, "this should have been done years ago."

Ashcroft then told the Senators that anyone who continued to ask "dangerously impertinent questions" about civil liberties, military trials, assisted suicides, gay rights, the environment, abortion, school desegregation, medical marijuana, a bank that he co-owns with two silent partners in the Bahamas, and a recent affair he had with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, would be guilty of "giving ammunition to America's enemies." If such inquiries persisted, Ashcroft warned, those asking the questions would be arrested, questioned, detained, handcuffed, blindfolded and then driven to a remote area somewhere in rural Alabama , where they would be handed over to a group of men with big grins and no teeth.

Several Republicans on the committee defended Ashcroft, including Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), who agreed that any questioning of the Attorney General's moral authority at this point could only serve to erode his delusional power base, weaken his rigid thinking, draw attention to the rapid deterioration of his physical condition, and undermine any respect the public might still have for the funeral business.

Hatch, a visiting Mormon from another world, and a good reason why cloning ought to be banned, was visibly pleased with the proceedings. "Frankly, I don't have a problem with anything you've said or done," he told Ashcroft. "In fact, I think you're doing such an excellent job here on Earth, that I hope you'll seriously consider returning with me to my planet when the mother-ship arrives next month."

Ashcroft then concluded his testimony by tearing up the only remaining copy of the U.S. Constitution.

 

YU News Dispatch 053

Yossarian Universal News Service 120701

9:51:23:02 PM PST

END

 

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