YU Dispatch Book 11601

YU News Stories (6 Samples)

Dispatch A963A

Sinatra Admits He Took Steroids with Schwarzenegger

Palm Springs , CA (YU)  In a legal maneuver clearly designed to bolster his influence in the entertainment industry, the late Frank Sinatra filed suit against himself and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today, charging both himself and the governor with gross mishandling of charisma and misrepresentation of imagined purpose. Sinatra is asking the courts to award him $3 billion in actual damages and $6 billion in unmarked tens and twenties. I've never seen him more dead serious in all my life, close friend and fellow dead entertainer Dean Martin told reporters. He's pissed, too. Sinatra, who is deceased but still busting heads at the Flamingo in Las Vegas , was unavailable for comment.

Dispatch A970B

New Space Program to Go Door-to-Door

Cape Canaveral (YU)  NASA announced today that several thousand insurance salesmen and one Avon representative will be selected to join the crew of Shuttle Exterminator on a flight scheduled to take place in late 2007. Since the salesperson-in-space program was adopted last year, more than 4 million salespeople, most of them on commission, have applied for the job. This brings the total to 1.3 million retailers, peddlers, brokers and hawkers who have gone to other planets to sell things and never be heard from again.

Dispatch A961A

Italians and Germans Blame Each Other for World War II

Rome (YU)  The Italian government has asked Argentina to extradite a reputed, yet unidentified German travel agent to stand trial on charges he booked 350 Italian tourists on a 747 Lufthansa flight to Chicago and sold them all the same window seat. The discrepancy wasn't detected until after the overcrowded jumbo jet had landed in Chicago and some of the departing passengers began complaining of poor service and strong body odors. A spokesperson for the Argentine government said his country had no record of a German travel agent or any other German people ever living in Argentina and suggested that Italian officials use proper diplomatic channels to ask Brazil to extradite him instead.

Dispatch A935A

Jerry Lewis to Play Roy Cohn in New Musical Comedy

Paris (YU)  The recent revelation that comedian Jerry Lewis may have died of AIDS has sparked a flurry of phone calls from a fearful TV-viewing public in France that fears it might have contracted the disease from watching his old movies on television. Henri Dubois, an executive with TV Francais, noted that people are very concerned they may have become infected because of their rather unusual viewing habits. Dubois sought to assure viewers that such movies, though obnoxious, were not fatal and were made many years before Jerry Lewis knew what he was doing. Lewis died last Thursday while touring with the Broadway-bound show, Inherit the Wind.

Dispatch 956C

Government Prepares for Armageddon with Trial Run

Fallow Flat, NV (YU)  The Department of Energy conducted yet another unannounced nuclear test at the Nevada Test Site yesterday. The test, code named Neanderthal, had a yield somewhere between 10 and 100,000 kilotons, depending on which government source was most believable. The blast was detonated approximately 6 feet beneath the surface of the desert floor and 50 yards northwest of entertainer Wayne Newton's house in Las Vegas .

Dispatch A946C

Outer Space Advertisements Boost Galactic Sales

Rondo, Borgnine Galaxy (YU) Radio Astronomers at the Celito Lindo Observatory on the planet Rondo reported receiving electromagnetic distress signals yesterday (or tomorrow) from an unknown source of power near the George Gobel Void. The mysterious messages, which are being transmitted every 6 ½ minutes, include such coded communiqués as: There's more for your life at Sears, Trix are for kids, and Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. Rondo spokesandroid, Mica Ertegun, hopes these latest transmissions will offer some help in decoding last month's cryptic message -- Nothing beats a great pair of Leggs -- that caused widespread panic among Rondo's 20 million legless inhabitants.