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Universal Times

February 11, 2013

Universal Times Dispatch 0001

Yossarian Universal News Service YU2111398



Claims What He Really Said Was: "I've fallen down and can't get up."

The Vatican (YU) -- Flat on his back and speaking to reporters on the floor next to his bed, Pope Benedict XVI denied news reports today that he had quit the papacy, and insisted that someone help him stand up so he could continue to fulfill his duties as "keeper of the keys to all the secrets I have hidden in that little safe behind the toilet." When pressed to elaborate on this, the Pope sighed. "It's all there. The missing glove, the knife, the baseball cards, the polaroids, all of it," he explained. "I fell out of bed. Big deal."

No immediate attempts were made to help the Pope to his feet by either his attendants, his valet, his personal trainer, his mother or his live-in companion, Cardinal Angelo Scola, thus confirming reports that the plush carpeting in the 85 year-old Pope's bedroom is more comfortable than his Sealy Posturepedic. While this development was troubling to some, Pope Benedict did not appear dismayed. "Being Pope is easy," he said. "I even make decisions in my sleep." To prove his point, he quickly nodded off and proceeded to sign a papal decree that allowed for the priestly ordination of hamsters and other small rodents.

In a related story, Pope John Paul II, who is still deceased, issued a press release stating that he's ready and willing to resume his duties as Supreme Pontiff of the Seven Galaxies provided someone can explain to him what he's doing "in this dark place."


Universal Times Dispatch 0001

Yossarian Universal News Service YU2111398


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