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.........JD Vance Shocked That Greenland Is So Cold...Proposes Moving Entire Island To South Pacific...Demands To Know Why Nobody Ever Thought Of This Before.........Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem Visits Preschool...Threatens To Deport Toddlers Who Wear Washable Tattoos And Poop Their Pants.........Tesla Wins European Car Collision Race For Third Straight Year...Total Cars Wrecked Beat Both Fiat And Volkswagen Combined....Musk Says Tesla Will Soon Enter Chinese Market: "The Fact The Chinese Don't Know How To Drive Indicates Tremendous Future Wins For The Company".........Man Undergoes Conversion Therapy After Being Attracted To Marjorie Taylor Greene.........Trump Tells Elise Stefanik To Stay In Congress...Ex-Nominee For UN Ambassador Climbs Out Of Manhole And Dives Back Into Sewer........House Speaker Mike Johnson Threatens To Eliminate Federal Courts...Warns Nation That Pickleball Courts Are Next.........Trump's Nine-Year-Old Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt Admits She Is Stupid: "The Sole Purpose Of My Job Is To Engage In Nonsensical Nambydoo Which Is A New Word I Just Made Up"....Ends Press Conference By Attempting A Reverse Somersault Dive Into An Empty Podium.........Trump Imposes Tariffs On All Alien-Made Goods...Includes Cars From Jupiter, TVs From Venus, Beer And Pretzels From Wyoming..........Trump Says Secret War Plans Found On Hunter Biden's Laptop.........Trump Portrait Taken Down At Colorado Capitol...Replaced With One That Depicts His Contemporary Likeness...Descendants Of  Dorian Gray Threaten To Sue........Schumer Vows To Hold Trump Accountable...Grows Pair Of Balls Belonging To Lindsey Graham.........Trump Sells Corporate Rights To Rename White House...Winning Bid Awarded To Chock Full O'Nuts.........Trump Says Biden Also Stole 2024 Election....Urges Mob To Storm White House: "And I'll Be There With You"...Is Quickly Tranquilized By Doctors Before Trying To Fly Away.........Trump Seizes Indian Reservations...Accuses Native Americans Of Being Tribal Members...Orders ICE To Send Them Back To Country They Came From.........Trump UN Ambassador Elise Stefanik Defends America's Right To Listen To No One...Ignores Pleas To Use Crosswalk And Disappears Down Open Manhole.........NASA Astronauts Return To Earth...Trump Doesn't.........Marshal Dillon Warns Musk: "Get Out Of DOGE"........SecState Marco Rubio Gets Around USAID Court Order By Declaring Himself Emperor Of Africa...Immediately Rejects Aid He Refuses To Send To Himself.........Social Security Commissioner Leland Dudek Says He's Not Interested In Serving The Public, He's Only Interested In Political Retaliation...Apologizes Later For Not Knowing What A Freudian Slip Is........French Say They Are Grateful Trump Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt Is Stupid: "We Would Not Be Laughing If She Were Smart".........Trump Celebrates St. Patrick's Day...Meets With Lucky Charms Leprechaun Somewhere Over A Rainbow In A Magical Forest.........Trump’s Border Czar Tom Homan Says He's Coming...Tells Everyone To Shut Up And Bend Over.........Mel Gibson Arrested After Angry Outburst In Public Restroom:: "They May Take My Guns But They'll Never Take My Codpiece!".........Trump Invokes Alien Enemies Act...Vows To Deport All Wakandans, Ewoks And Hobbits...Says Wookies Can Stay If They Learn To Speak English.........BREAKING NEWS......Balls Belonging To Chuck Schumer Discovered In Pants Worn By Ted Cruz .........Trump Farts, Blames Biden.........Trading Grows Dangerous On Wall Street...Dow Jones Pulls A Gun, Takes Nasdaq Hostage, Plunges Sharply To The Floor And Gets Stomped To Death By S&P 500...Bitcoin Caught In Crossfire, Dumped In Trash Compactor And Shipped To New Jersey For Disposal At The Jimmy Hoffa Sanitary Landfill & Memorial.........Musk Says He Didn't Buy Trump For $275 Million. His Money Did.........Millions Who Haven't Received Their Social Security Checks Are Assured By Trump Commissioner Leland Dudek That He Got His.........Trump Supporters Have Second, Third, Fourth And Fifth Thoughts About Trump Presidency...Now Believe Wearing A MAGA Hat Was Just A Poor Fashion Statement.........Trump Praises Henry Ford And Buys Pinto From Ralph Nader.........Elon Musk Promises Seniors Their Social Security Checks Will Be Mailed Just As Soon As They Purchase A New Tesla............Trump Blames Biden For Measles Outbreak, Cheating At Golf, And Hemorrhoids.........Elon Musk Sues YU News For Libel...Denies Having A Face Like Sarah Huckabee Sanders...Sanders, Whose Face Has Been Compared To A Flat Tire, Is Recovering From Severe Asphalt Burns After Skidding To A Sudden Stop.........Trump Claims Biden Stole 2024 Election And Sold Country To Elon Musk For $275 Million.........Trump Signs Executive Order Canceling White House Easter Egg Roll With Egg (McMuffin) On His Face.........Louisiana Senator John Kennedy Caught Dipping Into His Horseshit Stash..........Republican Congressman Paul Gosar Stung To Death After Grilling A Beehive........Astronomers Discover Largest Object In Known Universe To Be Supercluster Of Egos Belonging To Donald Trump...Report Massive Gassy Region So Thick It Would Take 10 Billion Years Of Self-Reflection To Penetrate It.........Trump Vows To Lower Price Of Eggs In Time For Easter By Imposing 50% Tarif on Easter Island.........BREAKING NEWS...Priest Not Suspected Of Molesting Altar Boys...Is Immediately Denounced By Archbishop Gomez Of Los Angeles.........90 Million Americans Say They Are Still Undecided About Who To Vote For In Last Year's Presidential Election...Pundits Uncertain But Think A Lack Of Voter Intelligence Could Have Been A Major Factor In Electing A Convicted Moron.........Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Flying Monkeys From His Nightmares.........Trump"s Speech To Joint Session Of Congress Erupts In Wild Feeding Frenzy Among Living Dead...House And Senate Republicans Rush To Eat Each Other's Brains But Discover They Don't Have Any.........Trump Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins Says Americans Can Solve Egg Shortage By Buying A Rooster: "Mine Lays Delicious Brown, Green, Yellow And Black Ones All Without Shells And Already Scrambled"........Academy Awards Remind Public To Defend Democracy, Combat Injustice And Strive For The Best As Members Award Oscar To Kieran Culkin.........Border Czar Tom Homan Boasts: "Being  Both A Prick And A Cunt Means I Can Go Fuck Myself"...Tries Later To Walk Back Statement But Is Unable To Walk, Period.........Supreme Court Rules Trump Immune From Heart Disease And Obesity For Any Big Macs Consumed While In Office.........King Charles Admits His Invitation To Trump To Visit England Is Just As Meaningless And Irrelevant As He Is: "I Rather Liked It When Mum Was Still Alive And Everyone Believed I Was Dead"...British Polls Indicate People Still Do.........Trump Appoints Misogynist Flatulencer Andrew Tate To Head New Department Of Government Sexism (DOGS)...According To Trump: "He's A Very Fine Nazi On Both Sides".........Eric Trump Issues NFT Of His Nose Hairs...Don Jr. Sells Grubs From His Beard On Ebay...Barron Grows Four More Inches Overnight.........Trump Bans Reporters From Covering Him In White House...Reporters Respond By Covering Trump In Large Plastic Tarp.........Nine-Year-Old White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt Says Nobody Should Be Confused About Anything That Comes Out Of Her Mouth, Including Spit, Milk, Bits Of Nutter Butter Cookies And "Whatever Happens When I Stick My Finger Down My Throat".........January 6 Insurrectionists Insist The Pardons They Received From Trump Grant Them Complete Immunity From Death...Many Attempt To Prove It By Shooting Themselves, Jumping Off Tall Buildings, And Buying Teslas.........In First Official Act As FBI Director, Kash Patel Declassifies Hundreds Of Unreleased Records Made By Tennessee Ernie Ford.........Reptile Influencer Stephen Miller Screams His Way Through Dinner At Restaurant...Terrified Patrons Say He Sat At Their Table, Yelled  Obscenities At A Plate Of Potato Skins And Picked A Fight With The Salad Bar.........Republicans Introduce Bill In Congress To Make Trump Bowel Movement A National Holiday.........Elon Musk Extends Reach Of DOGE...Seizes Taxpayers' Private Parts And Says: "Nobody's Balls Are Safe Not Even Women's".........Democrats In Congress Refuse To Work Across The Aisle With The Living Dead...Claim The Stench Of Decay Prevents Them From Finding Common Ground To Bury Body Parts.........BREAKING NEWS...Donald Trump Doubles Down And Declares A Second Time: "He Who Saves His Country Does Not Violate Any Law"...Latest YU News Poll Indicates Millions Of Americans Believe Robert DeNiro Should Try Again To Strangle Him.........Trump Orders Treasury To Stop Making Pennies And Orders Penney's To Stop Making Corduroy Pants.........Border Czar Tom Homan Leaves Office Of NY Mayor Eric Adams Covered In Shit..."I Told The Mayor I Would Be Up His Ass If He Didn't Suck The President's Cock"...Adams Claims He Did Go Down On Trump But That Homan Insisted On A Threesome.........During Presidents' Day Sale, Elon Musk Sells Trump Presidency To China For 1 Trillion Dollars: "I Invest 250 Million And Then Turn A 400,000% Profit Overnight. I Mean, Is This A Fucking Great Country Or What?".........Donald Trump Declares: "He Who Saves His Country Does Not Violate Any Law"...Minutes Later Robert DeNiro Tries To Strangle Him.........New England Patriots Sold To Elon Musk For Cash And A Nazi To Be Named Later...Musk Changes Name Of Team To XPatriots.........Trump Orders Gulf Oil To Change Its Name To Golf Oil: "It's A Great Idea Because Golf Balls And Panty Hose Are Made From Petroleum And Nobody Knows This"...In Response, Shell Oil Changes Its Name To Shill Oil To Best Reflect Huge Profits.........Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth Announces Plan To End Russia-Ukraine Conflict By Making Ukraine Part Of U.S. And U.S. Part Of Russia...Asked If He Had Been Drinking, Hegseth, Dressed In A Girl Scout Uniform, Attempted To Sell Reporters A Box Of Cookies.........Linda McMahon, Trump’s Nominee For Education Secretary, Says Abolishing Public Schools Will Give Parents A Good Reason To Stop Sending Children To Public Schools...Refuses To Answer Questions About Large Gaping Hole In Her Head.........Thousands Feared Dead At Mel Gibson Festival Stampede In India...Gibson Relieved: "Thank God My House In Malibu Had Already Burned To The Ground Or Else Those Fleeing Ragheads Might Have Destroyed It.".........Dead-Worm-In-Brain (formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) Confirmed As Nation's First Angel Of Death...Fatal Outbreak Of Birdbrain Flu Directly Linked To 52 Republican Senators Who Voted For Him.........After Saying Vaccines Are The "Devil's Seed Impregnating Millions Of Nubile Virgins", Dead-Worm-In-Brain (Formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) Immediately Denies Making Statement And Insists His Remark Is Just More Shit He Pulls Out Of His Ass........Trump's Nine-Year-Old Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt Defends Musk's Efforts To Root Out Fraud: “If Anybody Here Wants To Argue That I Am A Fraud, Be My Guest Because I Think That The Russian People Back Home Would Beg To Differ".........Trump Signs Executive Order Releasing Thousands Of Documents Related To Assassinations Of Fredo From The Godfather, Mr. Hooper From Sesame Street, And Kenny McCormick of South Park...Also Orders Immediate Release Of All Records Made By Alvin And The Chipmunks.........Netanyahu Says He Will Allow Palestinians In Gaza To Live In Peace If They First Agree To Give Up Food, Water, Shelter And Air...Promises All Bodies Will Be Buried In Mass Graves To Keep Families Together: "I May Be Meshuggeneh But I'm Not Unreasonable".........Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem Says People Should Never Trust Anyone In Government: “I Don’t Trust Anything I Say Or Do So Why Should You?"...She Then Pulled A Gun, Removed Her Hush Puppies And Shot Them.........Trump Claims Philadelphia Eagles Stole Super Bowl Game From Kansas City Chiefs...Places Phone Call To Referees: "I Just Want To Find 11,780 Touchdowns"...Rudy Giuliani Vows To Investigate As Soon As His New Meds Kick In.........Homo Nincompoopus, 230,000-Year-Old Skeleton Discovered Near Cancún, Positively Identified As Remains Of Senator Ted Cruz...Wife Heidi Cruz Files For Divorce And Custody Of Petrified Children.........J.D. Vance Clarifies Why Trump Doesn't Need To Read The Constitution To Know It's A Horrible Document: "Raymond Shaw Is The Kindest, Warmest, Bravest, Most Wonderful Human Being I've Ever Known In My Life."...When Asked To Explain What He's Talking About, The Pretend Vice President Suddenly Woke Up Screaming......... Trump's Communications Director Steven Cheung Claims He's Ray Charles...Wears Blackface, Dark Glasses And Pretends To Be Blind...While Singing "Hit The Road Jack" At Karaoke Bar, Falls Off Stage And Lands On Head...Doctors Say He Won't Come Back No More.........Elon Musk Denies Accusation He's An Existential Threat To United States: "That's Xistential, You Stupid Woke Bastards!".........Louisiana Senator Bill "Bones" Cassidy Says Dead-Worm-In-Brain (formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) Is Completely Qualified To Be America's Health Secretary: "If He Says He's Not A Lunatic Who Am I To Say He Is? I'm A Doctor, Not A Lie Detector".........Attorney General Pam Bondi Opens Criminal Investigation Into Everyone Who Didn't Vote For Trump...Tells Classroom Of Frightened Preschoolers: "If You Don't Recognize The Will Of Trump As A Source Of Law Then You Don't Get Any Snacks".........Trump Says If He's Assassinated He's Left Instructions For Everyone To Be Obliterated: "I'm Not Some Fucking Loser Like Jesus. When I Die Everyone Else Dies With Me"...U.S. Military Leaders Refuse To Say If They Will Honor Trump's Instructions Or Simply Kill Him Themselves.........Mixed Nuts Influencer Kari Lake Will Host Her Own Game Show, "Are You Stupider Than Me?"...The Hollywood-Squares-Type Set Will Include Regulars Victoria Jackson, Scott Baio, Dennis Quaid, James Woods, Caitlyn Jenner, Kelsey Grammer, Jon Voight, And Roseanne Barr...Lake Says She's Also Spoken With Paul Lynde Who Died In 1982 And He's Agreed To Make A Surprise Appearance.........Nine-Year-Old Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt Calms Growing Fear Of Tariffs: "They Want You To Panic. But President Trump Wants You To Remember Jesus Didn't Have A Foreskin Either And He Did Just Fine Right Up Until The Jews Crucified Him. It's Called Irony Or Something".........Elon Musk Declares U.S. Treasury A Criminal Organization...Shuts Down Department And Seizes $6 Trillion In Social Security Payments...In An Unrelated Story, Forbes 400 Ranks Musk As World's First Trillionaire.........Patrick Soon-Shiong Changes Name Of Los Angeles Times To Los Gleichschaltung Times...When Asked Why, The Billionaire Owner Winked And Said: "You Figure It Out".........Grandmother Of Fourteen From Arkansas Is Latest Winner Of Timothée Chalamet Lookalike Contest...Joins Over 22 Million Other Winners In 47 Countries To Be Mistaken For Deceased Actor Gene Wilder.........Trump’s FBI Nominee Kash Patel Claims He Doesn't Know Who Any Singers Are, Including Taylor Swift, Frank Sinatra Or The Beatles... Admits Listening Once To Dino And The Belmonts But Can't Remember Where Or When.........Military Jet Collides With Tesla Model Y Car Over Pacific Ocean...Tesla CEO Elon Musk Says Collision Could Have Been Avoided If Jet Had Also Been Driverless.........Louisiana Senator John Kennedy, First Elected Block Of Wood To Serve In U.S. Senate, Says Trump Rescinded The Memo To Undermine The Constitution, Not The Intention....Asked How The Intent Of The Memo Could Remain Without The Memo Itself, Kennedy Thought A Moment And Said, “Pull My Finger".........Nine-Year Old Karoline Leavitt Becomes Youngest White House Press Secretary And Immediately Throws Tantrum On First Day In Briefing Room...Claims Someone Stole Her Grumpy Bear Blue Plushie...Refuses To Take Questions Until CNN Fires Anderson Cooper.........Senator Lindsey Graham Won't Shut Up..."I Just Start Kissing Ass. It’s Like A Magnet. Just Kiss. I Don’t Even Wait. When You're Gay, They Let You Do It. You Can Do Anything. Grab ’Em By The Percy. You Can Do Anything.".........Elon Musk Tells Nazis To Be Proud They Are Nazis...Urges Them Not To Feel Bad About Killing Jews: "Look At Me. I Don't Feel Guilty About Killing Blacks.".......Trump Fires Dead Comedian Danny Kaye Who Once Starred In 1949 Musical "The Inspector General".........Texas Governor Greg Abbott Offers Condolences To His Wife On The Death Of Her Husband......... Trump Signs Executive Order Changing Name Of Melania To Ivanka.........Actor James Woods Unhurt After Small Plane Crashes Into His Head Leaving 2 Dead And 18 Injured.........Trump's 2025 Inoculation A Huge Success...Millions Witness Historic Event As President Is Roped, Wrestled To The Floor And Tranquilized Before Receiving The First Of His Four Rabies Shots.........Trump Says He Wants Inauguration To Be Moved Back Outside In Cold Weather To Accommodate Polar Bears, Penguins, Caribou, Walruses, Beluga Whales and Musk.........On Eve Of His Inauguration Trump Lashes Out At Goats...Says He Will Sign An Executive Order Banning Them From Entering His Ass Illegally...Aides Immediately Clarified Trump Was Actually Referring To A Funny Popeye Cartoon In Which Wimpy Swallows A Dozen Hamburgers In One Big Gulp.........Congressman Jim Jordan Wants 2028 Los Angeles Olympics Moved To Ohio State University... Agrees To Coach The Wrestling Team On Condition He Can Still Deny When Athletes Report Sexual Abuse To Him.........Trump Claims Everyone In The World Has Asked To Meet With Him...Says He's Booked Solid From Now Until He Leaves Office In The Year 2151.........House Speaker Mike Johnson Orders Dead To Be Raised During Trump Inauguration...Alabama Governor Kay Ivey Immediately Raises Dead Alabamians George Wallace, Gomer Pyle and Channing Tatum.........Trump Creates Fashion Line Of Footwear...Calls New Brand "Heil Heel".........New Jersey Congressman Jeff Van Drew Exposed As Conehead...Big Boy Pants Influencer Entered Politics Illegally...Will Be Deported To Remulak After His Term And Suspenders Are Up.........George W. Bush Arrested For Assaulting Barack Obama At Jimmy Carter's Funeral... Donald Trump Says He Used His Superhuman Strength, Heat Vision And Enhanced Hearing To Rescue Obama, Capture Bush And Save Earth From Marauding Mexican Rapists.........Gaza Refugee Yousef Baroudi Wins Benjamin Netanyahu Celebrity Lookalike Contest...Has Photo Taken With Netanyahu Before Being Exterminated............Trump Appears In Public Wearing Bright Purple Muumuu, Yellow Fuzzy Slippers And Large Sombrero...Aides Deny Story...Claim He's Wearing Button Front House Dress, Faux Fur-Lined Betty Booties And Split Brim Sun Hat With Matching Bow.........Latest Fiery Explosions Of Tesla Cars Indicate A Serious Flaw In News Reporting...Company Plans To Mitigate Damage By Recalling Truth.........Democratic Voters Say They Are More Likely Than Republican Voters To Attack Anyone Who Utters The Words "Happy New Year".........Elon Musk Endorses Germany's Far-Right Party And Declares: "Hitler Is Dead, Long Live Hitler!".........Rudy Giuliani Says He Sees Dead People...Doctors Quickly Add Mirrors To His Hospital Room.........Trump Stars In Christmas Day Pageant And Reenacts Birth Of Jesus...Plays Part Of God Molesting Virgin Mary...Claims She Let Him Do It.........Trump Picks Ebenezer Scrooge For Ambassador To The Dickens...Wants Tiny Tim To Play Ukulele At Inauguration In January.........Scientists Say Unusual Cloud Of Smoke And Gas Forming Inside Elon Musk Appears To Be Early Warning Sign Of Massive Life Threatening Sinkhole...Believe He Could Be Important Tool For Forecasting Destruction And Predicting Collapse Of Western Civilization.........Large Mysterious Hole Spewing Foul-Smelling Liquid Appears At Bottom Of Swimming Pool In Mar-A-Lago...Resort Guests Restricted From Area Until Secret Service Can Safely Plug Leak In Trump.........South Carolina Legislators Re-Redefine Personhood  As "Any Republican Lawmaker At Every Stage Of Decline From Stupefaction To Catatonia"...Under New State Law Any Termination Of A Legislator's Life Would Now Be A Mercy Killing.........Small Rock Found By 6-Year-Old Child In Cave Is Actually 50,000-Year-Old Ossified Brain Of Sean Hannity.........Elon Musk Threatens To Withdraw Everyone's Money From Their Bank Accounts If They Don't Stop Calling Him "That Greasy-Face Asshole"...In A Related Story: Musk Is Poised To Buy Clearasil And Change Its Name To XZit.........Latest YU News Poll Reveals Republican Voters In Red States Are At Greater Risk Of Having Their Heads Explode Than Those Who Live Without Oxygen On Jupiter.........Rep. Nancy Mace of South Carolina Backtracks On Alleged Handshake Assault: "I Was Just Trying To Point Out That Nobody Pays Attention To Me Anymore"...The Congresswoman Then Threw Up On Herself To Prove Her Point.........Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro Says America Does Not Kill People In Cold Blood To Express Policy Differences...Claims What We Did To Native Americans Doesn't Count Because "The Only Good Indian Is A Dead Indian".........Unable To Get Anyone To Go Down On Him, Senator Ted Cruz Attempts To Blow Himself...Claims He Mistook Himself For Someone Else...When Asked Who He Replied: "My Wife?".........NEW STUDY RELEASED: People Who Think Elon Musk Is Not A Stupid Rich Asshole Are Three Times More Likely To Throw Themselves Out A Window Than Those Who Believe His Face Resembles A Flat Tire.........Joe "Morning Joe" Scarborough Sues Simon & Garfunkel...Claims Pop Duo Libeled Him In Their 1966 Song "Scarborough Fair"...Denies Ever Having Affair With Deceased Actress Anne Bancroft...Recently Visited Trump In Mar-A-Lago And Returned Home Wearing A Sombrero.........Village People Lead Singer Victor Willis Insists His Song “Y.M.C.A.” Is Not A Gay Anthem...Says Trump (Who Is Gay) Can Play The Song At His Rallies Provided He Doesn't Dance: "Hey. The Man Moves Like Richard Simmons In A Fat Suit".........Smart Son Barron Trump Urges His Father To Shave His Head Like Joe Rogan And Do A Fireside Podcast Every Week: “The Guy's A Rich Bald Fat Man Who Talks Shit. I Mean, We Could Make A Fortune.”.........Senator Joe Manchin Wants Biden To Pardon Him...Says Living With Coal Dust In His Veins Has Turned His Piss Black: "I've Been An Obstructionist So Long Even My Bowels Have Stopped Moving".........Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich Plays Brunhilde In Revival Of Wagner's Götterdämmerung At The Kelsey Grammer Dinner Theater In Mar-A-Lago...Critics Rave: "It Ain't Over 'Til The Fathead Sings".........THIS JUST IN: Eric Trump Denies He’s Stupid...Struggles To Explain Why He Wears His Shoes On Wrong Feet.........Trump Survives Another Assassination Attempt After Being Served A Glass Of Water With No Discernible Trace Of Caramel Color, Aspartame, Phosphoric Acid, Potassium Benzoate, Natural Flavors, Citric Acid Or Caffeine.........Honey Baked Ham (formerly Donald Trump) Says He Plans To Invade New Mexico And Wage War On Its Illegal Food Cartels...Vows To Destroy The Enchilada Kingpins And Vicious Taco Truck Drivers Responsible For America's Hot Sauce Crisis...Told By Aides New Mexico Was Part Of The United States The Pretend President-Elect Suddenly Looked Directly Into The Sun And Saluted It.........2024 Election Results Threaten Family Thanksgiving Dinners As Members Who Voted For Kamala Harris Refuse To Sit At Same Table With Turkeys.........Millions Depressed Over Election Outcome Cancel Their Subscription Medications And Turn To Psychedelic And Dissociative Drugs...Millions More Binge Watch Hallmark Channel Movies And Start Hearing Voices...Director Ron Howard Purchases Film Rights To This News Ticker Just To Be On The Safe Side.........THIS JUST IN...Trump Nominates Allen Weisselberg To Head Government Office Of Management And Budget...Convicted Former Top Trump Accountant Says He's Already Begun Keeping Two Sets Of Books.........House Speaker Sherman (Formerly Mike Johnson) Calls Extra Press Conference To Publicly Announce: "A Dog Is A Dog And A Cat Is A Cat, And A Dog Cannot Become A Cat.”...Sherman, A Boy Adopted By A Dog (Mr. Peabody), Once Used The Wayback Machine To Travel Back In Time To San Francisco In 1973 And March In The Gay Freedom Day Parade Dressed As A Cat.........NBA Opens Investigation After Basketball Great Wilt Chamberlain Who Died In 1999 Suddenly Returns From The Dead Too Late To Warn Americans Not To Vote For Donald Trump...Chamberlain Is The Fourth Famous Dead Person To Issue The Belated Warning In As Many Days...The Other Three Are: Teddy Roosevelt, Jimmy Durante, And Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.........Ultimate Fighting Championship CEO And President Dana White Brings Mixed Martial Arts Bout To Washington, D.C....Main Event Features Stupid Rich Asshole (Formerly Elon Musk) Against First Idiot Son Of Smells Like A Butt (Formerly Donald Trump, Jr)...Undercard Presents Dickless Hypocrite (Formerly Lindsey Graham) Versus Sherman (Formerly Mike Johnson), Adopted Son Of Mister Peabody............POST-ELECTION UPDATE...Convicted Assassin I Did It For My Country (formerly Sirhan Sirhan) Says If Someone Would Just Break Him Out Of Jail And Tell Him Where To Find Dead Worm In Brain (formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) He Would Be Happy To Speak With Him.........At Mar-A-Lago Gala, Popular Concussion Influencer Yo Adrian My Head Hurts (formerly Sylvester Stallone) Heaps Lavish Praise On Trump: "The Man Is Literally A Mythical Comic Book Character Bigger Than Joe Palooka Who I Could Have Beaten If Johnny Friendly Didn't Make Me Take A Dive In The Third Round"...The Pretend Boxer Then Proceeded To Knock Himself Out With A Left Hook.........I'm With Goofy (formerly Cheryl Hines), Alleged Wife Of Dead Worm In Brain (formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.), Admits She Had Her Vocal Chords Removed "Just To Be On The Safe Side".........POST-ELECTION UPDATE...Trump Nominates Rudy Giuliani To Lead Newly Created 'Department Of Poor Excuses' (DOPE)...Former Mayor Immediately Blames Flatulence On Rigged Election.........House Speaker Mike Johnson Displays 'New Gay In America' Sign And Outs Himself On Capitol Steps...Admits Tradwife Was A Beard And Five Children Just Cosplayers From 'Children Of The Corn' Convention.........Dead Worm In Brain (formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) Plans To Replace All Pharmacies In U.S. With Drive-In Movie Snack Bars Offering Fluoride-Free Popcorn, Anti-Vax Nachos And Perforated Condoms.........POST-ELECTION UPDATE...Trump Receives Third Purple Heart After Falling Out Of Bed And Breaking His Nose On Melania's Fist.........HBO Cancels 'Real Time With Bill Maher' Citing Low Intellectual Desire And Premature Exasperation...Maher Complains Of Erection Interference...Vows Not To Leave: "I May Not Be As Funny Or Good-Looking As John Oliver But I've Smoked Way Too Much Shit To Start Accepting Reality Now.........POST-ELECTION UPDATE...Swift Action By Mitch McConnell Averts Catastrophe...Awakened Suddenly From Nap On Senate Floor, 148-Year-Old Minority Leader Announces He Smells Gas...Capitol Police Quickly Evacuate Everyone In Building Except McConnell.........ELECTION UPDATE...Massive Caravan Of Stupid People Invade America...Elect Idiot President...Again...Asylum Escapees Overrun Borders And Launch Full-Scale Assault On Nation's Diminished Intelligence...Millions Display Alarming Abnormal Mental Patterns...Millions More Reveal Disturbing Inability To Learn Anything...Victorious Trump Supporters Party In The Streets...Wear Tin Foil Hats And Drink From Sippy Cups.........ELECTION UPDATE...The Wives, Mistresses, Girlfriends And Teenage Victims Of Tucker Carlson, Newt Gingrich, Sean Hannity and Matt Gaetz All Say They Voted For Kamala Harris...The Four Men Point Fingers At Each Other Before Throwing Themselves Under A Bus Driven By Melania.........PRE-ELECTION UPDATE... After Getting Blown By Elon Musk Joe Rogan Explains Why He Endorses Trump: "If It Looks Like Shit, Smells Like Shit, Feels Like Shit, And Tastes Like Shit, I Figure I'm Smart Enough Not To Step In It."........In Last Ditch Effort To Win Every Swing State, Trump Drops J.D. Vance As Running Mate And Offers Job To Bandleader Benny 'The Swing King' Goodman Who Died In 1986...Says He Fully Expects To Meet With Goodman "Very Soon".........Latest Poll Indicates Trump Caught In Statistical Dead Heat With His Hair...Other Data Suggests He Leads His Growing Waistline By A Wide Margin But Trails Badly Behind His Dangerously Expansive Butt........Trump Visits Wizard Of Oz Museum In Wamego, Kansas...Promises To Protect Munchkins From Flying Monkeys "Whether They Like It Or Not"...Claims Wizard Gave Him A Brain But Scarecrow Stole It.........Billionaire Trump Supporter Howard Nutlick Changes His Name To Match His Behavior...Admits He Doesn't Know A Vaccine From A Hole In RFK Jr's Head But Thanks God His Money Still Talks Like A Ventriloquist's Dummy.........Dunkin' Donuts Launches "Free Donut Wednesdays" Followed By "Free Coronary Stent Thursdays"...Plans To Introduce "Free Memorial Service Fridays" By End Of The Year.........Steve Bannon Holds Press Conference After Being Released From Jail...Says He's Thrilled To Be Back Stumping For Trump But Hopes He Won't Have To Bend Over Anymore And Pretend To Like It.........Trump Warns People Living Rent Free In His Head To Pay Up Or Get Out...Holds Gun To His Own Head And Threatens To Shoot Obama If He Doesn't Leave.........Dr. Phil Rushed To Hospital For Emergency Surgery...Ruptures Double Hernia After Attempting To Push Back Against Cancel Culture...Also Has Head Examined After He Tries To Operate On Himself.........The Archdiocese Of Los Angeles Agrees To Pay $800 Million To 1,353 People Abused By Catholic Priests...According To Archbishop Jose Gomez: "With That Kind Of Payout I Feel Certain We Could Have Gotten Shohei Ohtani To Sign With Us Instead Of The Dodgers.".........Award-Winning YU News Advice Columnist Amy Aske (Don't Aske Me) Offers Pre-Holiday Guidance: "Start Nagging People Now About The Gifts They Didn't Give You".........U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham Of South Carolina Claims Everyone Is Wrong But Him...Says He's Faithfully Performed Fellatio On Corporate Donors For Over 30 Years: "It's all Very Quiet Stuff, Like A New Pair Of Hush Puppies--This Is Off The Record, Right?".........U.S. Senator Ted Cruz Of Texas Wants People To Stop Asking Him Questions: “I'm Trying To Run A Serious Campaign. If You Want Answers Go Ask Fucking Alexa."...When Asked To Define "Serious" Cruz Proceeded To Shave His Legs.........Former Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii Says She Plans To Join The Republican Party As Soon As She Returns From The Planet Dipshit In The Nestlé Crunch Galaxy.........Trump Campaign Update...Coming Off A Stint Working The French Fry Machine At McDonalds, Trump Takes Job As Lion Tamer With Ringling Bros. And Barnum & Bailey Circus...Locked In Cage With 12 Tigers And Only A Bible And A Can Of Diet Coke...Lasts Less Than A Minute Before Soiling His Unisex Stretch Pants...Circus Spokesperson Eliott Sprinkle Who Asked To Remain Anonymous Said: "He (Trump) Took The Lion Tamer Job Because We Simply Didn't Need Anymore Clowns.........Trump Biblical Press Secretary Karoline Leviticus Says Trump Graciously Provides A Way For Enemies From Within To Live In His Holy Presence...Commands Lunatic Left To "Love Your Trump As Yourself".........Medical Emergency At Trump Rally...Hundreds Of People Pass Out And Remain Hospitalized After Trump Sucks All The Air Out Of The Room............The Texas Association Of Barbequed Beef Growers Says It Will Meet With Officials Of The National Endowment For The Arts In An Attempt To Determine Fair And Just Compensation For Wartime Atrocities.........In Final Bid To Stave Off Irrelevancy, Geraldo Rivera Stands On Roof Of His Apartment Building And Announces His Endorsement Of Kamala Harris...Eager Crowds Gather On The Street Below Urging Him To Jump.........U.S. Supreme Court Rules 4-3 That Smashed Avocado And Banana Go Best With Bagels...Justices Alito And Thomas Both Recuse Themselves After Revealing Personal Relationship With Large Tub Of Cream Cheese........Kamala Harris Releases Her Medical Records And Trump Releases His Golf Score...Claims No One In History Has Ever Played A Lower Round Of Golf Than Him ...Doctor Ronny Jackson, Trump's Personal Caddy, Confirms Trump Had 4 Holes-In-One, 10 Birdies, 3 Eagles And 1 Albatross Around His Neck...Suffered An Extra Stroke On The Back Nine When He Saw The Latest Polls.........Mysterious Plagues Overwhelm Mar-A-Lago... Republican Donors Break Out In Boils During Fundraising Dinner....Trump Tells Guests That Lice, Flies, Frogs And Locusts Are Signs God Has Chosen Him To Lead America Out Of Egypt...Says Water Turning To Blood Is Safe To Drink And To Ignore The Darkness.........National Weather Forecast: Steady Stream Of Bullshit By Early Morning...Continuous Flow Of Hostile Behavior By Mid-Afternoon...Expect Low IQs And Increased Chance Of Armed Mobs By Late Evening.........Trump Campaign Spokesturd Steven "Fredo" Cheung Denies He's A "Sleazebag And A Stupid Shit With No Personality"...Slumps Down In Chair And Pouts: "I'm Smart! Not Like Everybody Says...Like Dumb... I'm Smart And I Want Respect!".........Undecided Voters Are Still Undecided About Who To Vote For With Most Being Undecided About Being Undecided...Many Undecided Plan To Remain Undecided Until After The Election In Order To Decide Or Not Decide To Stay Undecided Before They Decide To Do Anything.........Elon Musk Takes Full Credit For Saving Free Speech In America...Claims He Found It Floating Face Down In His Swimming Pool And Gave It Month-To-Month Resuscitation...Says A Full Recovery Is Possible But Only If People Stop Calling Him Asshole.........Pete Rose Deathbed Confession: "I Only Bet On Baseball Games After The Games Were Over"...Admits His Bookie Always Took His Money But Never Paid Up.........J.D. Vance Denies Growing Same Beard Presently Worn By Ted Cruz...Says Cruz Only Loaned Him Part Of His Mustache...Admits To Borrowing Nose Hairs From Donald Trump Jr.........Israel Rigs Communion Wafers To Explode During Mass At Catholic Church In Gaza...Body Of Christ Blown Into Thousands Of Pieces...Vatican Vows Holy War...Blames Jews For Killing Jesus Again.........Trump Says He Survived Assasination Attempts Because God Spared His Life...God Refutes Claim: "I May Be Omnipotent But I'm Not Stupid".........GOP Senator John Kennedy Of Louisiana Says He Hides His Head In A Feed Bag Of Corn Chips And Bone Meal Every Day...Claims He Wrote "Profiles In Courage" And Is Married To Jackie...Showed Reporters The Hole In Back Of His Head Where Bullet Exited...Currently Under Restraining Order To Keep Away From Kennedy Compound In Hyannis Port.........Stouffer's Macaroni & Cheese Whiz Frozen Dinner Endorses Donald Trump For President...Follows Yesterday's Endorsement By Campbell's Chunky Cream Of Potato & Dumplings Soup.........Elon Musk Inadvertently Shut Down Himself Today And Banned Everyone From His Social Life After Unplugging A Toaster Attached To His Life Support System.........Suspect Caught With Assault-Style Hunting Rifle On Trump's Golf Course Says He Thought Trump Was A Badly Wounded Walrus And Simply Wanted To Put It Out Of Its Misery.........Trump Campaign Adviser And Former Arched Eyebrow Influencer Laura Loomer Claims Trump Received Only The Answers Before Debate With Harris And Not The Questions.........Man Missing For Decades Found Alive In Bathroom At Mar-A-Lago...Unconfirmed Reports Say Man May Be Former Teamster President Jimmy Hoffa..........Uneducated Americans Demand Loan Forgiveness For Buying SUVs.........Trump Proposes Debate With Harris On Stage At Andy Williams Dinner Theater In Branson, Missouri Sometime Between The Second Course And Dessert...Wants All Fact Checking Done In Real Time By Roy Cohn..........In Final Bid To Claim Victory In 2020 Election Trump Petitions Supreme Court To Rule That He Is Joe Biden And That Mike Pence Is A Woman Of Negro Descent..........Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh Maintains He Never Had Sexual Intercourse With Anyone And Denies Knowing What A Penis Is...Maintains His Wife Is Lying.........Trump Accuses Former FBI Director James Cagney Of Being A Terrible Dancer In Yankee Doodle Dandy...Claims He Fired Cagney After He Stole Academy Award From Him.........Dozens More Bodies Found In Hoboken, New Jersey Public Library’s Frank Sinatra Collection With Many Identified As Victims With Overdue Fines.........2000-Year-Old Mummified Dog Discovered In Egyptian Tomb Identified As Remains Of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.........Auction Of Charlton Heston Memorabilia Includes His Unwashed Loincloth Worn in Planet Of The Apes, Every Tortured Line He Spoke In Ben Hur, And Actual Gun Pried From His Cold Dead Hands.........Latest Reported Sighting Of Deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Places Him At Italian Street Festival In Philadelphia Dressed As Organ Grinder.........Far-Right French Perrenial Fruitcake Party Candidate Marine Le Pen In Early Stage of Dementia...Blames Illness On Years Of Watching Jerry Lewis Movies.........Pope Francis Creates Pontifical Commission To Study Sexual Abuse of Children...Thousands Of Priests Ask To Be Appointed.........Former Misdirected Anger Management Pro John McEnroe Released From Hospital After Successful Surgery To Remove Swollen Object In His Shorts......Man Eating Salami Sandwich In Park Files Complaint Against Mother Nursing Infant In Public......Mother Nursing Infant in Park Files Complaint Against Man Eating Salami Sandwich In Public........